Middle of the Night Rant

I think I've come to the conclusion that this is turning out to be a rant blog. So be it.

It's 3:19am and I'm mad as fuck.

I've come to the conclusion that if it wasn't for my brother, I'd love to kill myself right now. I have a bunch of Ibuprofen. That should do it right? I'd drink the 1 and a half bottle's of Nyquil with it just in case it wasn't. And probably look around for some more junk. Sure there's something.

I'd definitely mix it in with cutting though.

I've always thought about cutting. Ever since I was a pissed off child in elementary school. But I never cut. Until that one stupid relationship I talk about the previous post. I got hold of a box cutter and sliced away. Sadly, it brings a smile to my face thinking about. Equally as sad is I was too, ahem, pussy enough to go very deep. Yea, yea you're not suppose to go deep but I barely even drew blood. It disappoints me every time I think of it. I would love to just be able to take a blade and slice right into my skin without thinking twice and to be strong enough to go as deep as I want to go.

I have a lil' white scar on my left arm from that time. The only reason it's even a scar is because I had to go over it two or three times.

The same year my grandma got really sick. Maybe a month after I got dumped. Not even a year later in the fall months she was nearly dead. So I cut again in a mini breakdown. This time upon my shoulder.

Again, barely any blood drawn. I think I cut again after that but I don't remember when. She died that December. I don't think I cut though. In fact, I don't think I've even cried a single tear.

So, anyways back to tonight. Well thanks to this post I feel better and not so... ha, shall I say, emo?

Well I just woke up at 2:40am from an awesome nap. And my aunt was here. I get pissed but don't say too much. But I know they're gonna go out and gamble. Like I said before, no one effin works in this damn house. Now including me since my company closed down our shops. So why the hell does she insist on wasting money? I gonna be super immature and just not look or a damn job. It is gonna be great when we sit without power and the mortgage hasn't been paid in months.

It's gonna be awesome.

And I may be a bitch, but I hope I'm able to cut all ties and just take my brother and get my own place. The parents can then do whatever the fuck they please. Live in a car for all I care. As long a my brother is fine is all I really give a shit about. He's pretty spoiled. More then I ever was. But he doesn't deserve this hell hole. I hope the world doesn't end this year. He isn't even baptized yet.

So there it is. My rant of the night. it didn't go anywhere I thought it was gonna go. But there it is.

Have a great week.

Forever Alone

So it's been a while.

I just lost my job this last week. It sucks! Oh.. and I'm now 265lbs -_-

I hate feeling alone all the time. I'm a very private person though people don't even realize it as I am that good at hiding it. I wish someone would just come up to me and force me to tell them what's going on in my life.. In my head. But if anyone would actually do that, I'm not sure what I would say. I am the only one I have to talk to. I'm the only one I know how to talk to.

I once had a boyfriend. I met him on an online chat site. We hit it off just like that. I could tell him anything.. Everything.. Oh except the fact that I was fat as fuck. I managed to keep that hidden, Even through pictures I'd send him. I know how to work my angles. Anyways he was the only real person I could talk to about absolutely anything. Then one day, he dumped me. That was about 2yrs ago.

I still think about him.

So ya know how I said I had a boyfriend? Yea well, I've had a boyfriend. One.. Single.. boyfriend. One that I never even met at that. Why? Pretty simple really. Because I'm fat, and I hate my body. I'm not saying guys don't like fat chicks.. They do I guess. But I never let guys in, because eventually that will lead to the affectionate part and the cuddles and possibly.. the sex. The nakedness.. And really just the embarrassment of just walking down the street together. I'd feel embarrassed for him.

I use to talk to boys all the time. My first and only friend I really remember from kindergarten was a boy. Elementary I talked to boys and had friends that were boys. Middle school hit and I still talked to boys.  Throughout I heard little rumors about certain guys liking me but never really believed them. Even now.

Then came high school. Ninth grade came. I had a a couple guy friends in a couple classes. My English class I only had guy friends an they would always say one would like me. I did believe that one but he wasn't my type. Even if he was I would have pushed him away.

In my morning math class I had a crush I sat near for a little bit that I got along with well. Then our seats changed but everyday he would come sit by me at the end of lesson when we were allowed to move and work on our classwork together. I liked him all year long. Even the next. We still talked in tenth grade. We had no classes together but he would come by almost everyday at lunch.

Then Valentine's day was coming.. He just got a job. Then, the unthinkable happened.

I wasn't expecting it at all. We sat at the lunch table. Just me and him. Then in his own way asked me out on a date for V-day. i couldn't really believe what he was saying and for somehow didn't understand that he was even asking me out. And I pretty much laughed in his face and said no. Well not as horrible as I just made it sound but pretty horribly still.. I still regret it.

Not surprisingly, I didn't see too much of him there after.

Pretty soon I had no guy friends. There were of course a few that I knew and said hi to every so often or smiled at but not really any guy friends. I still have a few from school on my Facebook that comment my Facebook posts so I don't look like the guy less girl I really am.

But that is exactly who I am. In my own defense I don't have a job (especially now that I'm unemployed) that I could meet any guys. I used to work almost always alone in a children's shop. Where my other employees were woman and the shoppers were mainly parents.

All I want really is a damned boyfriend! But I know I'll never get that. I fear I am gonna be alone forever.. Forever alone? (meme jokes anyone? God I need to get off the internet.) And it scares me and hurts me. I feel like crying whenever I think about it. And no one's knows. No one knows.

My "Weekend" of Junk.

This week I was suppose to start working on my daily goals.

• Stay on track with my diet (Atkins)
• Only one cheat meal a week
• Go to the gym 2 times a week
• Minimal hair straightening
• Paint my nails every week
• Do my makeup everyday
• and Read one passage out of the bible each day

Tuesday was possibly the best day. (My weekend is Tue.-Thur.) I stayed on my meal plan and ate great. I didn't straighten my hair. I did my makeup. Pretty much that was all.

Wednesday wasn't that bad but not that great. I had plans with one of my girlfriends to hang out. Of course, like always, I woke up late. 2pm. I got up and messed around online most likely and all of sudden my friend texts me that she's just cleaning up and will be on her way to get me as I don't have a car. I quickly tried to get ready and managed to still be late. Point being, I didn't eat before we hung out.

We only planned to go to her house and watch a movie. No big deal right? Well, we ended up staying out until midnight! (early for me but so starved!) I caved. I didn't have much money so I decided to go to Del Taco. I ordered 2 crunchy tacos, a soft taco, and an order of Chili Cheese fries Deluxe! (Or something like that.) It was all pretty damn good. Especially her.. uh.. Funnel Fries? (Some cake fried up to look like fries and melt in your mouth like liquid gold.) There were amazing but I managed to eat only 2. Yay?

Later on we watched "The Help". If you haven't seen it I HIGHLY recommend it! Its fabulous! Anyways I ended up having 2 cookies. So Wednesday? No so great. At least my makeup was done.


Now Thursday. Thursday started out good. I needed to do good because I was planning to go out drinking with a few friends later on. Once I got to dinner time however, I said fuck it. I grabbed a small potato chip bag on the table and dug in. Then I had another. Then,.. another. What... a fatass.

Before my friends arrived I'm pretty sure I had an ice cream bar, but I can't be sure. I got in the car and off we we're to buy some Ciroq and Pineapple Juice. Before we get to the liquor I'm asked, " So, Jessi. What do we want to eat?" I knew we we're gonna eat. We always eat when we go out. I said I wasn't sure and basically let them pick. We ended up at Denny's an hour later. I had a Hickory Chicken burger with seasoned fries. Then off to the liquor... and to the chips I decided was a good idea to buy. At least my makeup was done.

Needless to say I pretty much got an F on my first goal week. I can't even get an A for "A"ffort? Well, wish me well the rest of the week. I need to get skinny and find a man. Being single sucks. More on that later.

J.

Introduction

My name is Jessi. I am 22 years old. I live in Las Vegas, Nevada. I am assistant manager at a small store and I am also the only one currently working in my household.

I love hair and makeup. I suck at both of those. I also have a bit of an online shopping addiction. E-bay anyone? Oh. I am also obese.

I am 5'4" and a whopping 242lbs.. (When I said whopping, I thought of a BK Whopper- I am that fat.) The heaviest I ever was, that I know of at least, was 265lbs a few months back.

This blog is about me. My life. Just me... being me.

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