I think I've come to the conclusion that this is turning out to be a rant blog. So be it.
It's 3:19am and I'm mad as fuck.
I've come to the conclusion that if it wasn't for my brother, I'd love to kill myself right now. I have a bunch of Ibuprofen. That should do it right? I'd drink the 1 and a half bottle's of Nyquil with it just in case it wasn't. And probably look around for some more junk. Sure there's something.
I'd definitely mix it in with cutting though.
I've always thought about cutting. Ever since I was a pissed off child in elementary school. But I never cut. Until that one stupid relationship I talk about the previous post. I got hold of a box cutter and sliced away. Sadly, it brings a smile to my face thinking about. Equally as sad is I was too, ahem, pussy enough to go very deep. Yea, yea you're not suppose to go deep but I barely even drew blood. It disappoints me every time I think of it. I would love to just be able to take a blade and slice right into my skin without thinking twice and to be strong enough to go as deep as I want to go.
I have a lil' white scar on my left arm from that time. The only reason it's even a scar is because I had to go over it two or three times.
The same year my grandma got really sick. Maybe a month after I got dumped. Not even a year later in the fall months she was nearly dead. So I cut again in a mini breakdown. This time upon my shoulder.
Again, barely any blood drawn. I think I cut again after that but I don't remember when. She died that December. I don't think I cut though. In fact, I don't think I've even cried a single tear.
So, anyways back to tonight. Well thanks to this post I feel better and not so... ha, shall I say, emo?
Well I just woke up at 2:40am from an awesome nap. And my aunt was here. I get pissed but don't say too much. But I know they're gonna go out and gamble. Like I said before, no one effin works in this damn house. Now including me since my company closed down our shops. So why the hell does she insist on wasting money? I gonna be super immature and just not look or a damn job. It is gonna be great when we sit without power and the mortgage hasn't been paid in months.
It's gonna be awesome.
And I may be a bitch, but I hope I'm able to cut all ties and just take my brother and get my own place. The parents can then do whatever the fuck they please. Live in a car for all I care. As long a my brother is fine is all I really give a shit about. He's pretty spoiled. More then I ever was. But he doesn't deserve this hell hole. I hope the world doesn't end this year. He isn't even baptized yet.
So there it is. My rant of the night. it didn't go anywhere I thought it was gonna go. But there it is.
Have a great week.
