So it's been a while.
I just lost my job this last week. It sucks! Oh.. and I'm now 265lbs -_-
I hate feeling alone all the time. I'm a very private person though people don't even realize it as I am that good at hiding it. I wish someone would just come up to me and force me to tell them what's going on in my life.. In my head. But if anyone would actually do that, I'm not sure what I would say. I am the only one I have to talk to. I'm the only one I know how to talk to.
I once had a boyfriend. I met him on an online chat site. We hit it off just like that. I could tell him anything.. Everything.. Oh except the fact that I was fat as fuck. I managed to keep that hidden, Even through pictures I'd send him. I know how to work my angles. Anyways he was the only real person I could talk to about absolutely anything. Then one day, he dumped me. That was about 2yrs ago.
I still think about him.
So ya know how I said I had a boyfriend? Yea well, I've had a boyfriend. One.. Single.. boyfriend. One that I never even met at that. Why? Pretty simple really. Because I'm fat, and I hate my body. I'm not saying guys don't like fat chicks.. They do I guess. But I never let guys in, because eventually that will lead to the affectionate part and the cuddles and possibly.. the sex. The nakedness.. And really just the embarrassment of just walking down the street together. I'd feel embarrassed for him.
I use to talk to boys all the time. My first and only friend I really remember from kindergarten was a boy. Elementary I talked to boys and had friends that were boys. Middle school hit and I still talked to boys. Throughout I heard little rumors about certain guys liking me but never really believed them. Even now.
Then came high school. Ninth grade came. I had a a couple guy friends in a couple classes. My English class I only had guy friends an they would always say one would like me. I did believe that one but he wasn't my type. Even if he was I would have pushed him away.
In my morning math class I had a crush I sat near for a little bit that I got along with well. Then our seats changed but everyday he would come sit by me at the end of lesson when we were allowed to move and work on our classwork together. I liked him all year long. Even the next. We still talked in tenth grade. We had no classes together but he would come by almost everyday at lunch.
Then Valentine's day was coming.. He just got a job. Then, the unthinkable happened.
I wasn't expecting it at all. We sat at the lunch table. Just me and him. Then in his own way asked me out on a date for V-day. i couldn't really believe what he was saying and for somehow didn't understand that he was even asking me out. And I pretty much laughed in his face and said no. Well not as horrible as I just made it sound but pretty horribly still.. I still regret it.
Not surprisingly, I didn't see too much of him there after.
Pretty soon I had no guy friends. There were of course a few that I knew and said hi to every so often or smiled at but not really any guy friends. I still have a few from school on my Facebook that comment my Facebook posts so I don't look like the guy less girl I really am.
But that is exactly who I am. In my own defense I don't have a job (especially now that I'm unemployed) that I could meet any guys. I used to work almost always alone in a children's shop. Where my other employees were woman and the shoppers were mainly parents.
All I want really is a damned boyfriend! But I know I'll never get that. I fear I am gonna be alone forever.. Forever alone? (meme jokes anyone? God I need to get off the internet.) And it scares me and hurts me. I feel like crying whenever I think about it. And no one's knows. No one knows.
